Reader beware...this is long.
We are having another baby.
This topic was something that I wasn't willing to hardly discuss with Kevin over this past year. He has always wanted a big family and I felt the same way too. I always thought I'd have 4 kids. Then I had #3 and she threw me for a loop. It is so true when people say just to have all your children back-to-back because then you stay in that "baby-mode".
But with us, having had our twins, we had our hands full! We did get pregnant when Mia and Chloe were 2 1/2, but I miscarried at 11 weeks, which was the most difficult thing I've ever been through, and that precious child is in heaven---I can't wait to meet him/her one day.
Then we waited another year (actually, after the miscarriage, we tried for about 6 months and nothing was happening, so we decided to wait and try again after the new year). Well, we didn't even have to wait until after the new year, because we got pregnant over Christmas holidays with our sweet Quinnie. You can read here about the crazy 1st trimester she gave us!
When Quinnlan was born, Mia and Chloe were 4 and pretty much self-sufficient. I had been getting full nights sleeps for over 3 years and I didn't realize how hard it would be to step back into that mode again. But, of course, you do it...exhaustion, tears and all, and of course, you make it through it to find that you can't imagine what family life was like before we were a party of five.
But, I sure did not want to do it again.
I like my sleep...a lot.
I like not being the sole food supplier for a baby (I know, the bonding is special and what a gift we women have been given to be able to do this...blah blah blah).
I just didn't want to give up MY LIFE for another 2 YEARS (pregnancy through nursing for a year)...and I am no spring chicken anymore, either...as I have come to find out, my OB chart has a little label now: A.M.A. Advanced Maternal Age. Thank you very much #35 and Father Time.
But, my Kevin is a fantastic salesman. He just would make me think about things and then all of a sudden it felt like it was my idea to have another baby. I kept thinking about how Quinn is 4 years younger than Mia and Chloe. How they would be going off to college when she would be entering high school. How she could easily become a "third wheel" to their twin-bond. Etc, etc, etc...
It all came down to the fact that Quinnie needs a friend. And, Kevin promised that we were not trying for a boy, we were adding another child to the family. To finalize this, I've already spoken to my OB about tying my tubes while I have my c-section ("one-stop-shopping" as she says!).
Well, it happened pretty quickly, in the 1st month, actually, and we were excited, but on my end, I have been a little nervous, too. I have asked the question many times, "what have we gotten ourselves into?" as I have felt like garbage for the past 2 months.
Because of our history, I have had some anxiety about this 1st trimester. We have also been a little "gun-shy" about telling people about our good news. (We sent out the mass email the weekend before our miscarriage last time...that was messy.)
But tomorrow I will be 11 weeks pregnant and I have an awesome story:
On Friday, I was exhausted. I had been up many times the night before with Quinnlan because she has an ear infection. I couldn't wait to drop the older girls off at school so I could put Quinnlan down for a morning nap and I could lie down myself. Well, she woke up after a bit, and I was still feeling pretty rough, so I went in, gave her a pacifier and climbed back into bed hoping to fall right back to sleep. But, this didn't happen. In the stillness of the morning, those anxious thoughts began to creep in. Is the baby ok? Could I go through a miscarriage again? So, I began to pray and try and chase away the "enemy".
My prayer has been this mantra, "I trust you, God, I trust you, God, I trust you, God". What I found was that if I just meditated and prayed over those words, there was no pause for any other thoughts to enter my mind.
Well, as I'm praying, all of a sudden I feel a gush (if you've ever had your water break, it was very similar). I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom as I'm panicking and still praying (aloud now) and there is a huge amount of blood still gushing. It was so frightening, but as I'm crying and fighting to stay calm, I continue to pray aloud, "I trust you, God, please help me." So, I get cleaned up and call Kevin and can't get hold of him. So, I call my mom and she says she is on her way. Then I call the dr. and they get all my information and say they'll call me back.
I get Quinn out of bed and take her downstairs to the playroom and call my friend, Jennifer and she helps me to calm down some by praying for me over the phone. I can never thank her and my other friend, Kristin, (from my girls Bible study) enough for being my prayer warriors that day.
When my mom arrives, she comes to the couch and lays her hands on my belly and prays for me and our baby. It was such a familiar scene to when something similar happened when I was pregnant with Quinnlan. I am so very thankful for parents that know to call upon the Lord first in these scary situations.
The dr. finally called back and my mom drove me and Quinn down to my OB's office. I finally got in touch with Kevin as we were driving. He had accidentally left his phone in his car while on an appt. and came back to find about 15 missed calls from home and a hysterical message from his freaked out wife. He was on his way to meet us there.
I was glad that I was the last patient before lunch because the waiting room was empty and I looked like I had been hit by a truck. I know, this is no time for vanity, but, I really looked rough.
When Dr. Fisch came in, she immediately did an ultrasound and I strained to see if there was any good sign. Those screens are so difficult to read! So, then I am just trying to read my doctor's face. I just kept remembering when the dr. had told me 3 years ago that there was no heartbeat. I must have literally been holding my breath because she told me I needed to breathe.
Then, there it was.
Our baby.
Our baby's heartbeat.
A strong heartbeat.
Thank you, Jesus. I can trust You. You are the ONLY ONE in control.
Then the waterworks of relief began. Then we hear a soft knock on the door and Kevin walks in white as a sheet. I told him immediately that everything was ok. He had to sit down in the chair.
Basically, the baby looks great (even measuring a few days ahead), the placenta looks great, the cervix looks great...there was a dark line on the opposite side of my uterus from the baby/placenta that she thinks was the culprit. A subchorionic bleed. She said it is fairly common and in my case, because it is not near the placenta, is not endangering the baby at all.
I think I cried off and on all day out of sheer relief and joy. I just kept thinking what a different weekend I would have had, had things gone differently. I have doctors orders to take it easy and not do too much. Kevin has been SuperDad this weekend while I've tried to keep my feet up.
I am so very thankful for God's mercy on our family in this situation. He is in control and if things had gone differently, I know I could still trust Him through that as well. I keep thinking, if that was a test, I hope somehow I passed, because I don't want to be tested like this again! But, I just have to cling to God's word in 1 Peter 5:7 (that my mom quoted as we drove to the doctor's office), "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
And it's true.
