A Spiritual Birthday-June 17th, 2011

My Chloe is so intuitive. She always has been this way. I have always said that at times I feel I am talking with someone closer to my age than a little 6 year old!

She has been asking lots of questions over the past couple of months about baptism and what that means. I have been nervous about this conversation because she is so young. I asked a friend of ours that runs the children's ministry at our church how I should handle these conversations with her and she basically said to make it an ongoing conversation...answer every question as well as I can and make her feel like we can talk about it whenever she wants to talk about it.

So...that is what I have been trying to do.

Then last night happened:

I was getting Mia and Chloe ready for bed and we said our prayers as I am bouncing Mary Britton on my knee (Quinnie was already in bed). Then Chloe began asking about baptism again. She asked why she wasn't baptized as a baby like her cousins, and I tried to explain to her that we wanted her baptism to be at a time when she chooses to be baptized and not when we, her parents, choose for her. So, she asked if she could be baptized. At first, I didn't really know what to say. I told her that it is a very important decision and that she needs to understand salvation before baptism. Then she said, "what do I need to know to understand?"

I stopped, then, and said I needed to put (a very distracting) Mary Britton to bed and that if she wanted to talk more, we could go and talk in my bedroom. As I'm putting the baby to bed, I am praying like crazy that I won't screw this up. I mean, this conversation is what I have prayed for since she was in my belly! I don't only want to spend a few years on earth with this precious child of mine...I want to spend an eternity with her.

When I got back, she said she didn't want to talk anymore, so I said, "OK" and then she turned to look at me and had tears in her eyes and said, "Actually, I do want to talk."

So, we went and got on our bed and I asked her what she was feeling that was making her cry and she said that she kept thinking about "the bad word." (On a side note, she and Kevin are masters at taking songs and changing all the words to make it something silly.) She said that she was making up words to this song about trucks and kept saying "funk" in her mind and sometimes in a whisper instead of truck. (I guess I wasn't very clear as to what the actual bad word was! I wasn't going to correct her, though!) She is full-on crying now telling me that she can't stop thinking about it in her mind. So I, again, talked to her about the verse that tells us to think on "what is lovely and pure and praiseworthy..." and I asked her if she ever prays when she feels like this and she said that she asks God to help her not think about it and sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. We, then, prayed together that same prayer and she seemed to feel a bit better.

I then asked her if there was anything else she wanted to talk about and she said she thought she wanted to be baptized. So, I got out a piece of paper and drew the same drawing that I remember my mom drawing for me as a child to show the plan of salvation. I drew the side-view of 2 sides of a canyon with God on one side and Chloe, me, Daddy, Mia, etc...on the other side. I explained to her that we can never be on the side where God is because of that big open space in the middle that is filled with all the bad things we've ever done...that no amount of good things can build a bridge. Then I told her that Jesus came to earth to die on the cross to be that bridge for us (and I drew the cross as the bridge between the 2 sides) and that if she was the only person that ever lived, Jesus would have still died for her...that He loves her that much. She was just listening so intently to everything I was saying. I told her that Jesus wants to be her best friend and guide her throughout her entire life and then live with her forever in Heaven one day. She asked me what happens to people that don't go to Heaven and I just couldn't tell her anything that might scare her. I know her personality and I know that, especially at 6, she would not handle that bit of information well. So, I just told her that the worst thing in the world would be being separated from God forever. That seemed to be a good enough of an explanation. I just know that with my upbringing in the southern baptist church (in the 80's, at least) where hell-fire and brimstone were pretty common sermon topics, I was scared to death of all of that! I just really wanted her to make the choice for Jesus and not just against hell.

After we talked a bit, I asked her if this sounded like something she'd like to do and she said, "yes." So, I pulled her into my lap and I led her in prayer asking Jesus to forgive her of all the bad things she has done (at age 6!) and to come into her heart and to be her best friend forever. She (and I) cried through the whole thing...like mother, like daughter. When she was finished, I asked her how she felt and I expected her to say something pretty generic like "happy," but instead, she just looked at me and said, "calm."

Calm.

Isn't that the best adjective for the peace of Jesus?

This 6 year old hasn't been calm a second since she was in utero. She is always moving, always thinking, many times anxious...but the Prince of Peace showed up and made her feel calm.

I went on to tell her that the Bible says that when one person accepts Jesus into her heart the angels rejoice and throw a party...at this, Mia, comes into the room (I swear she has radar for the word, "party.") and says, "I wonder if they are eating angel food cake?!?"

Through our tears, we just burst out laughing...

Here is a song that I am singing right now...it basically sums up all that I am feeling.

"The King of all Bad Words"

We have 2 little girls (1st and 3rd grade) that live next door to us. They are always over and playing with Mia and Chloe. They don't exactly have the same Christian upbringing that our girls have...for example, the younger one went to church at Christmas with us last year and Chloe said, "We're having a Christmas birthday party at church!" And our little neighbor replied, "Who's birthday is at Christmas?" And Mia and Chloe both said, "Jesus!" and she just looked dumbfounded....like, wait a minute, Christmas is about something else besides Santa Claus and Rudolph?

Well, this year, the 1st grader came home from school with us and was saying that she was going to be in so much trouble because she had said the "king of all bad words." Then my girls started asking,

"Did you say 'Stupid'?"

"Was it worse than 'Hate'?"

I smiled and asked her what happened (thinking it couldn't be all that bad) and she said that she had said "What the f---!" in class...her 1st grade class.

I almost drove into my mailbox.

So, my naive girls said, "Did you say, 'Fired'?"...I quickly said, "Let's not talk about this right now."

Unbelievable.

A few days later, Mia and Chloe and this little girl were in our playroom and I heard Chloe say, "I called Mia the "S" word the other day and got into trouble." This little girl gasped...of course, she is thinking of the other "S" word and Chloe means "stupid."

That night at dinner I explained to them that when someone refers to the "S" word, they don't mean "stupid," and that it is probably not a good idea to tell others that you have used that word with each other. So, the conversation started spiraling from there...

Girls: "What is the "S" word?"

Me: "It is not a word that we ever say...you don't need to know, but you do need to know that it isn't "stupid."

Mia: "What is the "F" word?"

(At this point I was really wishing Kevin wasn't working late.)

So, I decided that they were probably going to hear those words pretty soon at the rate we were going and I wanted them to know that they were bad words when they did hear them, so, I told them what the "F" word was...I said it was like "Duck" but started with an "F" and that if I ever heard them say it or heard that they had said it to someone else, they would have their mouths washed out with soap and there privileges would be taken away.

Mia handled it pretty well...she went back to eating and then went to go play.

Chloe is another bird altogether.

She starts pacing the room and saying that she can't get it out of her head and that she just has to say it. At one point, she had her head under the couch cushion saying she felt like she was going to throw up.

Great.

So, I told her that she could whisper it in my ear and then we needed to "move on." So she whispered it so quietly and then she left the room. I thought, "OK, well, I guess that's that."

And then she comes back in and she has put handsoap in her mouth and has the nastiest look on her face. (at least it was that all-natural soap)

Her reaction really upset me and I thought I had made a really bad mistake telling them...taking away some of their innocence. So, I called my mom and she reminded me of the verse, Phillipians 4:8:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

So, it turned out to be a good learning lesson...even though it didn't start out that way!

Grooming

My daughter, Chloe, is so tender-hearted. I have written about her many times on here. When she does something wrong, it literally eats at her until she confesses. To me, this is a good thing...especially as she gets older and faces more of "life." But, it is not easy watching her experience the feelings leading to her "confession."

Recently, Mia and Chloe were working on their homework after school and I told them that if they needed any help, I could help them and when they were finished I could look over it. When they reached a math page of having to count these little dots, they both came over needing help. It was a pretty basic concept and I knew that as soon as I explained it, they would get it and go and finish the page. But, it was strange that as Mia went back to the table to finish because she understood, Chloe burst into tears saying she didn't understand. I just looked at her and asked, "Why are you so upset? Here, let me show you again." So, I did and she was being so adamant about not getting it, and I knew that this concept was not too difficult for her.

So I asked, "Chloe, are you really this upset about this math sheet or is something else going on?" and she blurted out (as tears are dripping off her sweet face onto the side table in front of her), "When I was 2, you told me not to ever play with the Gorilla Glue and when I was 3, I took it and made 3 dots on the coffee table in the playroom."

(I had to stop and let it sink in, because we went from math to Gorilla Glue in about a millisecond!)

So I asked her, "Have you been wanting to tell me about this for awhile?"

She said, "Yes and I'm sorry."

And I just had to once again scoop her into my lap and tell her that, of course, I forgave her and that she needs to NOT hold these things in. She just cried and cried and told me she wanted to show me.

OK, these 3 dots are so miniscule. They are practically under the coffee table and Gorilla Glue dries clear, so I never would have seen them.

(My mom suggested that the dots on the math worksheet probably reminded her of her "transgression"!)

That night as I went to bed, I kept thinking about the whole situation and I believe that the Holy Spirit is grooming her to accept Christ one day soon. I believe that he is showing her the feeling of conviction and she is learning from it.

I am so excited for that day when all of my girls become true believers in and followers of Jesus and ask Him to guide them in all areas of their lives.

What a beautiful day that will be...

Why?

Sometimes, on "this side of the Kingdom" (as my sweet husband puts it), we have to ask that question...

Why, God, why?

When God allows a single 17 year old girl to become pregnant and then in her 8th month, bring that sweet baby boy back home to Him, we have to ask that question.

Loudly.

Tearfully.

No woman should ever have to experience childbirth without the ecstasy of holding that precious warm bundle at the end of her labor...much less a teenager. Does a grown woman have what it takes to deal with this kind of tragedy? If that is a valid question, then how does a virtual child?

I am heartbroken for my sister-in-law. Our nephew, Levi, has been back in Heaven worshipping our Heavenly Father for the past week and a half. He never knew this world except through the muffled sounds of being in utero.

When I saw this beautiful baby boy, he was tiny, but he was fearfully and wonderfully made by our Creator.

I am given comfort as I picture Levi being greeted at Heaven's gates by our Saviour as well as our baby, his cousin, that has been there since 2007.

Please pray for Alex as she has to face the loss of a child at the tender age of 18.

Ella

I have a dear dear friend, Sheli. I've known her since 1988 when we met in 7th grade...I think it may have been the DeKalb County Patrol Trip to Washington D.C...then we went to the same high school and we were inseparable. Even though we went to separate colleges (I have forgiven her for going to Auburn---haha), we were in each other's weddings and have stayed close as we have each expanded our families to include children. She is the kind of friend where it can be weeks since we've talked "live"...you know how it can be to play phone tag these days...but as soon as we get hold of each other, watch out---the marathon phone call begins and there is not one bit of small talk. We just pick up right where we left off.

Well, earlier this summer, I received a text message from her to pray for her 2 1/2 year old as she was going to have an MRI done on her abdomen to investigate a mass the doctors had found there. After the doctors removed the mass, the biopsy showed that it was indeed malignant. There are no words to describe the pit in my stomach as I heard that word. How can this be happening to someone I know so well? These are the kinds of stories you hear about a friend of a friend or a co-worker's friend as emails circulate to pray for this child or that child. Cancer isn't supposed to directly affect the people I love so dearly. But, on this side of the Kingdom, cancer does affect so many people's lives.

Sweet Ella has begun her chemotherapy and has had a rough couple of weeks (fevers, constipation, mouth sores, etc.) which has really taken a toll on both Ella and Sheli. I know that when my kids are sick, they only seem to want Mommy, and this seems to be the case for Ella too. Also, as the Mommy, we need to have a finger on the pulse of everything in our children's lives, especially something as serious as this. So, I'm sure it is hard to take that much-needed break to get the rest that Sheli so desperately needs.

I did get some good news from her this morning as they were able to pack up and go back home from the hospital, hopefully, until her next round of treatments. Praise the Lord. Anyone that has spent the night in a children's hospital (or any hospital for that matter---not being the patient) knows the accommodations are cramped and pretty uncomfortable.

If you want to read more about Ella, go here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ellaupchurch

I guess the reason I am writing about this is that I feel that this is something that I am "praying without ceasing" about. Sheli, Ella and the rest of her family are never far from the forefront of my mind. In my pregnancy-induced-insomniac nights, I am praying for complete healing of this precious child. As I am driving around town getting my last-minute Nesting errands run, I am praying for this child. I feel like I am constantly either thinking about giving birth or Ella.

I can't wait to one day look back on this post and praise our Great Physician for what He plans to do for her in His own amazing timing.

Calgon, take me away!

I don't know if it is my preggo hormones, or the cabin fever from all this too-cold weather, or that I just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love about Elizabeth Gilbert's traveling the word alone for an entire year (my friend, Jen, forewarned me it can make you a bit stir crazy) or just the mere fact that I have really loud kids, but I have been feeling on the verge of going nuts the past couple of days!

Ugh...

Right now, I am sitting in my PJ's ALONE listening to CoffeeHouse radio and LOVING the almost-silence around me. Kevin is at a neighbor friend's house tonight and I "volunteered" to stay home with the kids instead of getting a sitter.

I know there are lots of people out there that hate to be alone. But, I really enjoy my time alone. Kevin is the same way...which is good because neither of us gets bummed when the other needs some time. It's funny, because my mother-in-law has a condo in Florida on the beach that is such a great place to visit, but she doesn't want to go unless there is someone to go with her. I have such a hard time understanding this! But it just goes to show that everyone is different.

Especially with another child on the way, I feel like I am so far from a time in the future where I can just (for example) go to the beach alone for the weekend and stare at the water and walk on the ocean-edge and have a glass of wine at sunset, and just be quiet. If that time ever became available, I would want to use that time to get away with Kevin for the weekend, but it is a very enticing thing to think about being alone for a whole weekend...no diapers to change, no plates to cut-up, no 5 yr. old arguments to referee, no carpooling, no baby alarm clock----can I get an AMEN???

OK, so I am venting a little bit, but it feels good to get it out.

So, tonight, I had planned on having the kiddos bathed and in bed by 7:30 (since they can't tell time yet) and I have rented Twilight to watch on DVD since I recently finished reading the series. I also have a pint of Ben & Jerry's in the freezer with my name written all over it. But, it's funny how God has other plans. My impatience with my girls was wearing me pretty thin and it took a lot of willpower at 7:45 not to say, "no story tonight, girls, Mommy's really tired." But my plans backfired in a really good way. I asked the girls what they wanted to read and they said they wanted to read the Bible. (Thank you, God, for such precious little ones) We are reading through the greatest children's Bible called The Jesus Storybook Bible (amazon.com). I think I may like it better than my "grown-up" Bible.

So, we crawled under the covers on Mia's bottom bunk and opened the Bible to where we had left off. We normally read 1 or 2 stories, but tonight, we picked up where Jesus and his disciples were having the Last Supper and we just kept reading all the way through the resurrection. It was so beautifully written that I was choking back tears through Christ's crucifixion and my girls were spell-bound.

My annoyed and impatient heart began to soften and I just felt so much love for my children (diapers, cut-up food, arguments, carpools, early mornings and all) as I read to them about God's love for His children.

Awesome.

Like I said, God knew what this tired Mama needed tonight...besides my chick-flick and ice cream.

I can't not write about this...

Reader beware...this is long.

I have some good and crazy news.

We are having another baby.

This topic was something that I wasn't willing to hardly discuss with Kevin over this past year. He has always wanted a big family and I felt the same way too. I always thought I'd have 4 kids. Then I had #3 and she threw me for a loop. It is so true when people say just to have all your children back-to-back because then you stay in that "baby-mode".

But with us, having had our twins, we had our hands full! We did get pregnant when Mia and Chloe were 2 1/2, but I miscarried at 11 weeks, which was the most difficult thing I've ever been through, and that precious child is in heaven---I can't wait to meet him/her one day.

Then we waited another year (actually, after the miscarriage, we tried for about 6 months and nothing was happening, so we decided to wait and try again after the new year). Well, we didn't even have to wait until after the new year, because we got pregnant over Christmas holidays with our sweet Quinnie. You can read here about the crazy 1st trimester she gave us!

When Quinnlan was born, Mia and Chloe were 4 and pretty much self-sufficient. I had been getting full nights sleeps for over 3 years and I didn't realize how hard it would be to step back into that mode again. But, of course, you do it...exhaustion, tears and all, and of course, you make it through it to find that you can't imagine what family life was like before we were a party of five.

But, I sure did not want to do it again.

I like my sleep...a lot.

I like not being the sole food supplier for a baby (I know, the bonding is special and what a gift we women have been given to be able to do this...blah blah blah).

I just didn't want to give up MY LIFE for another 2 YEARS (pregnancy through nursing for a year)...and I am no spring chicken anymore, either...as I have come to find out, my OB chart has a little label now: A.M.A. Advanced Maternal Age. Thank you very much #35 and Father Time.

But, my Kevin is a fantastic salesman. He just would make me think about things and then all of a sudden it felt like it was my idea to have another baby. I kept thinking about how Quinn is 4 years younger than Mia and Chloe. How they would be going off to college when she would be entering high school. How she could easily become a "third wheel" to their twin-bond. Etc, etc, etc...

It all came down to the fact that Quinnie needs a friend. And, Kevin promised that we were not trying for a boy, we were adding another child to the family. To finalize this, I've already spoken to my OB about tying my tubes while I have my c-section ("one-stop-shopping" as she says!).

Well, it happened pretty quickly, in the 1st month, actually, and we were excited, but on my end, I have been a little nervous, too. I have asked the question many times, "what have we gotten ourselves into?" as I have felt like garbage for the past 2 months.

Because of our history, I have had some anxiety about this 1st trimester. We have also been a little "gun-shy" about telling people about our good news. (We sent out the mass email the weekend before our miscarriage last time...that was messy.)

But tomorrow I will be 11 weeks pregnant and I have an awesome story:

On Friday, I was exhausted. I had been up many times the night before with Quinnlan because she has an ear infection. I couldn't wait to drop the older girls off at school so I could put Quinnlan down for a morning nap and I could lie down myself. Well, she woke up after a bit, and I was still feeling pretty rough, so I went in, gave her a pacifier and climbed back into bed hoping to fall right back to sleep. But, this didn't happen. In the stillness of the morning, those anxious thoughts began to creep in. Is the baby ok? Could I go through a miscarriage again? So, I began to pray and try and chase away the "enemy".

My prayer has been this mantra, "I trust you, God, I trust you, God, I trust you, God". What I found was that if I just meditated and prayed over those words, there was no pause for any other thoughts to enter my mind.

Well, as I'm praying, all of a sudden I feel a gush (if you've ever had your water break, it was very similar). I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom as I'm panicking and still praying (aloud now) and there is a huge amount of blood still gushing. It was so frightening, but as I'm crying and fighting to stay calm, I continue to pray aloud, "I trust you, God, please help me." So, I get cleaned up and call Kevin and can't get hold of him. So, I call my mom and she says she is on her way. Then I call the dr. and they get all my information and say they'll call me back.

I get Quinn out of bed and take her downstairs to the playroom and call my friend, Jennifer and she helps me to calm down some by praying for me over the phone. I can never thank her and my other friend, Kristin, (from my girls Bible study) enough for being my prayer warriors that day.

When my mom arrives, she comes to the couch and lays her hands on my belly and prays for me and our baby. It was such a familiar scene to when something similar happened when I was pregnant with Quinnlan. I am so very thankful for parents that know to call upon the Lord first in these scary situations.

The dr. finally called back and my mom drove me and Quinn down to my OB's office. I finally got in touch with Kevin as we were driving. He had accidentally left his phone in his car while on an appt. and came back to find about 15 missed calls from home and a hysterical message from his freaked out wife. He was on his way to meet us there.

I was glad that I was the last patient before lunch because the waiting room was empty and I looked like I had been hit by a truck. I know, this is no time for vanity, but, I really looked rough.

When Dr. Fisch came in, she immediately did an ultrasound and I strained to see if there was any good sign. Those screens are so difficult to read! So, then I am just trying to read my doctor's face. I just kept remembering when the dr. had told me 3 years ago that there was no heartbeat. I must have literally been holding my breath because she told me I needed to breathe.

Then, there it was.

Our baby.

Our baby's heartbeat.

A strong heartbeat.

Thank you, Jesus. I can trust You. You are the ONLY ONE in control.

Then the waterworks of relief began. Then we hear a soft knock on the door and Kevin walks in white as a sheet. I told him immediately that everything was ok. He had to sit down in the chair.

Basically, the baby looks great (even measuring a few days ahead), the placenta looks great, the cervix looks great...there was a dark line on the opposite side of my uterus from the baby/placenta that she thinks was the culprit. A subchorionic bleed. She said it is fairly common and in my case, because it is not near the placenta, is not endangering the baby at all.

I think I cried off and on all day out of sheer relief and joy. I just kept thinking what a different weekend I would have had, had things gone differently. I have doctors orders to take it easy and not do too much. Kevin has been SuperDad this weekend while I've tried to keep my feet up.

I am so very thankful for God's mercy on our family in this situation. He is in control and if things had gone differently, I know I could still trust Him through that as well. I keep thinking, if that was a test, I hope somehow I passed, because I don't want to be tested like this again! But, I just have to cling to God's word in 1 Peter 5:7 (that my mom quoted as we drove to the doctor's office), "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

And it's true.

The Prayer of a 5 year old

Back in December, we were saying bedtime prayers and Mia said this:

"Dear Jesus,

Thank you for a wonderful day.

Thank you for all the people in my heart.

Jesus, I think you are so nice---oh, and you, too, God.

I am excited about your birthday on Christmas.

Praise the Lord.

Amen."

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these."

Matthew 19:14 NIV

A Father's Love...

I love those moments when we get little reminders (some are bigger and more in-our-face than others) of our Heavenly Father's love for us.

Being a mom, there are so many times throughout the day that I do things for my children and they don't even realize that I didn't have to do it, I just did them because I love them...like making meals, doing laundry, cleaning up their messes while they are at school, instead of making them do it (OK, that one I sometimes do because Mommy can do it faster and better-haha), reading them stories or playing Littlest Pet Shop, etc... Some things are just things I do because I'm the Mom and it's my J-O-B, but others I do because I know it is important to them and makes them feel cared for and loved.

With God, He has no J-O-B. He doesn't HAVE to do anything. He didn't have to let me be born in America to Christian parents. He didn't have to let me marry an amazing man and have 3 amazing kids. He didn't have to provide for our family with blessings to allow us to have a roof over our heads, food that we put down the garbage disposal because no one would want to eat the same leftovers 2 days in a row, 2 cars (!), one parent that stays home with the kiddos, air conditioning (and heat), laundry and dishwashing machines (!), to name a few. Like Andy Stanley said at church awhile back, compared to the majority of the people around our world, to have any of these things, WE ARE RICH! Not to mention the blessings of our health and safety.

Then here I come along...poor poor me, because I'm now "old" and 35, I'm throwing myself a pity-party...anyone want to attend? I'm sure He just shakes His almighty head and sighs.

What a brat.

Kind of like how we try to tell our children to not complain about their toys because there are people all over Atlanta and the world that would love to have some of these toys, much less a WHOLE room in the house called a PLAYROOM! Isn't it silly how we are like children sometimes? Well, God is our Father and I'm just so thankful that He loves me and doesn't give me what I truly deserve...I don't even want to know what His time-out or spanking looks/feels like!

I'm writing all of this because there were some things that I was struggling with surrounding my "big" birthday...stupid things, silly things that I wish I knew more about by this age, that I wish I was better at by this age, that I wish I was more "together" with parts of my life and my role in my family by this age... I confess that I didn't even go to God about them. I just went and cried and complained to my sweet husband about them and I'm sure he mentally shook his head too, but outwardly, he was very sweet.

In my mind, with all the BIG things in this world that really matter, my little insecurities don't even need to be mentioned to God. His plate is too full with wars and famines and cancer, etc. But, what is AWESOME is that HE KNOWS MY HEART. I don't have to mention them to Him. As I was crying and complaining to Kevin, He was there beside me hearing me, too.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had several things (some even through blog-stalking) cross my path unexpectedly that have been answers to some of my silly questions...Things that could help alleviate some of my insecurities. I bet that God just kind of "dropped" those nuggets of inspiration and know-how into my life the way we do things for our children "just because." I have also felt a peace that I don't have to have it all together. That is what life is for. More importantly, that is what a life with the Lord as my guide is for. (Sorry for the grammar there.)

I know I am totally rambling, but in my mind, this all makes sense :)

Reading and music speak to me.

I am reading a book with my girls Bible Study called Crazy Love and I just finished the 1st chapter and watched the videos from the website www.crazylovebook.com and I just felt the need to give our all-powerful, all-knowing, almighty God some crazy love from my little spot in this galaxy. Check it out...

Also, a few songs that I have recently downloaded have been on repeat in my Ipod and I am loving them and the awesome message that God is speaking to me through them:

-It is Well by Todd Fields

"When PEACE like a river attendeth my way, when SORROW like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, You have taught me to say, it is WELL, It is WELL with my soul..."

-Breathe on Me by Todd Fields

"Forever, You are my reason for living, merciful Saviour unending, Breathe On Me. Forever You are the God of my story, write EVERY line for YOUR GLORY, Breathe On Me."

I don't know what else to say.

Awesome...

A New Season

It feels like a new season is upon us...and I don't just mean that Fall is right around the corner. (Although, I am LOVING this incredible COOL weather and it is giving me full-on Fall Fever.)

Last month, Mia and Chloe turned 5 and began full-day Pre-K. I have had some issues with their school/teacher and have prayed so much about whether to keep them in or bring them home (it felt like those were my only 2 options). After speaking with the school's director on Friday and going through all of my concerns, I felt some relief not having it bottled up inside of me every time I went through the doors. Yesterday morning, the director came to me and told me about the great meeting they had with the girls' teacher and that hopefully things would be changing and I really feel as if things are turning around. Kevin and I decided that everyone deserves a second chance, and so that is our plan. These are my first born children we're talking about here...it's hard not to be emotional about it!

The whole new-school-thing has been like a new season to me.

Last week, Quinnlan turned 1 and has turned into her own little person with this amazing personality! She loves playing games and mimics everything I do. She will be walking any day now and then things will really get crazy! I have been weaning her this week and it has been kind of sad. I'm not necessarily sad that I will be missing nursing, even though I do love the special bond it has created between us. I know that you can still cuddle while feeding a baby a bottle---that's how I cuddled with Mia and Chloe (I only nursed them about 3 months). But, I am just sad that my baby (possibly my last depending on who you speak with in our house) is not so much of a baby anymore. I guess having older children makes you realize how quickly stages pass. I remember chomping at the bit for each new stage for Mia and Chloe. When they were infants, I couldn't wait for them to roll over, then to eat baby food, then to sit, then to eat finger food, then to stand, then to walk and talk... With little Quinnie, I'd have lived a year with her as an infant that just nursed and laid still in one spot as long as she was a good sleeper :) I didn't want each stage to end, because it could be my last---that's why people look forward to grandbabies, right!?

So, weaning and walking feels like a new season.

I am going to be 35 on Friday. From now on, I will no longer be able to check the 25-34 age box. I will be grouped with the "35-who knows what age" group... Before I know it, I will be able to get my Senior discount at Kroger on Wednesday and get AARP hotel discounts. Ugh... OK, I am being a little bit melodramatic, but I am officially in my mid-thirties now and I have no idea how I got here. I do know that the past 10 years since I was in my mid-twenties has been an adventure. No complaints here... Ten years ago, I was barely married...clueless of who I needed/wanted to be in a marriage (I had to learn that there is no I in TEAM, but did God intend for us to lose ourselves completely? I think not...) BIG learning curve for me...still learning, actually. Kevin, stop nodding :) Ten years ago, I had no children and had no idea that I would end up being the mom to 3 girls, much less a mom to multiples! I never would have thought that I would have had to go through a miscarriage that truly shaped my faith. God is awesome all the time, but when He shows up to hold us in His arms when we feel such sadness, it is life-changing. I love my life now, ten years later, with all its lumps and bumps along the way, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Having this semi-milestone birthday feels like a new season is ahead.

Lots of changes going on now and in my future...I'll choose to embrace them whole-heartedly with both arms and a smile on my face (and maybe a little wrinkle cream along the way)...

How young is too young?

Chloe has always been very in tune with God and "things unseen". I believe that because little ones have such pure faith, they can see/sense things that we cannot. When she was about 18 months old, she was very sick with some sort of virus and she had awakened in the middle of the night because the Motrin had worn off and her fever had spiked. I got up to give her another dose and rocked her for a bit in the glider. While I was rocking her, I was silently praying that Jesus would be with her and that she would feel better. A few minutes later she sat up and pointed out into the center of the room and said, "Jesus". I thought I had misheard her so I asked her what she said and she repeated herself as she pointed into the room. I just started crying softly as I thanked the Lord for answering my prayer and for being with our little girl as she was so sick.

This past fall when my Grandmother became sick with pancreatic cancer, we didn't really discuss her sickness with our girls because we didn't want to upset them, but we would always pray that she would feel better when we said our bedtime prayers. Around December, Chloe came up to me out of the blue and said, "Mommy, Grandmother is going to die before Valentine's Day." I was shocked so I asked her why she said that and she said she didn't know and went off to play some more. I thought, "OK, that was weird." Needless to say, the week leading up to Valentine's Day was a little stressful to me because that was always in the back of my mind as it drew closer. Well, Valentine's came and went and I breathed a sigh of relief, but that Sunday (the 15th) was when my dad called and said that he had taken a wheelchair to my Grandmother's home because she was no longer able to get around her home alone or with her walker. She ended up dying by the end of the week...one week after Valentine's Day. I can't say that it was a coincidence that Chloe said that. It's not like she really gets time and when holidays fall.

So, like I've written before, she is really interested in death since Grandmother died. She wants to talk about Heaven and who is there and what does Jesus look like and who is going to die when, etc... Well, the other night, she asked me when she could be baptized, when she is 12? I just told her that a person is baptized when she understands why Jesus died for her and when she asks Jesus into her heart to forgive her of all of the bad things she has ever done and to help her make good choices. She said, "I want to do that." I wasn't really sure what to say...we were in the middle of dinner and it was a little crazy, but I thought we'd talk about it a little later when things had calmed down a bit. Then that night at bedtime when we were taking turns praying, she prayed and then I couldn't understand what she said at the end and I asked her what she said and she told me, "I asked Jesus to come into my heart." I just gave her a big hug and didn't really know what to say. Is 4 years old too young to really grasp the magnitude of salvation? Or is it actually so simple that a 4 year old can "get it"?